I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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