Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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