"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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