My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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