I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
