Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
