She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
