She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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