proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
