I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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