Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
