I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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