Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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