Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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