woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
