I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
