My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
