3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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