Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
