is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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