My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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