Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize