Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
