seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
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He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
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How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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