when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
