Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
