Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
