Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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