Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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