Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
