Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your cock deserves a montage
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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