I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
