I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize