omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
