Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
