Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
