Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
