I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
