Soap is not a condiment
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
