Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
