you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
