If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
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The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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