Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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