Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
