On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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