The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
