i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
