My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
