life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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