She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
