Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
