I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
