He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
