Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
