She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
